I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
