Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up under a house in Key West
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