I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
