ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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