I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
