Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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