Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
