"it" just moved
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
