My room smells like vodka and shame
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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