I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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