I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
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