note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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