I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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