It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
