Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
sarcasm needs its own font
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
