Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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