someone threw a dead crab at me
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
