I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
