You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
