i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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