Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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