Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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