I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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