you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize