Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
