I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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