Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
