I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
