Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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