Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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