one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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