2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
