Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
