i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
