you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
