Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
