R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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