i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
