Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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