yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
