please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
