We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize