So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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