Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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