i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I have fence marks all over my body
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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