I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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