apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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