i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
