WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize