now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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