"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
