Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
