just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
and you fell through a lawn chair
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
