"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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