I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
