did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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