My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
