jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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