I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
