Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
