Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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