One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
