so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize