just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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