Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
